Do you remember reading The Odyssey in middle school? Some chump upsets the God of the Sea by poking his son in the eye. He then ends up spending the next few years being blown around the Mediterranean while a bunch of chavs make a move for his woman. Not so fun. Don't mess with a guy who wears spikes on his head. Don't hit on his angsty redhead either.
Speaking of which, how in the world are these two related?
Well anways, I'm pretty sure Neptune is Irish. Doesn't the image of a fat guy with flowing white hair and a trident binge drinking make perfect sense to you? It's like Santa during the off-season. I'm also pretty sure the British found his heart in a box hidden on an island somewhere, and they're using it to blackmail him. Now that I think about it, that explains a lot about the world....but I digress.
I'm fairly sure the French were in search of a better breakfast cereal the day they set sail to invade Ireland in 1797. I'm also pretty sure Neptune decided they were not worthy of his nummy hearts, stars, and horseshoes, and thus decided to show them what-for. You think I'm kidding, but really, how else do you explain this fiasco*? I've played many a game of battleship, but even I wouldn't have lost this. Play a sea commander card or something. When "You sunk my battleship!" is somehow insufficient to describe the situation, you know it's bad. Like, 4chan bad.
I really don't know how the French could have been less fortunate in that battle. The winds were against them, the waves capsized boats and ruined their aim, and in the middle of the ocean they managed to get beached. Thus, I can safely assume that their attempted invasion of Ireland pissed Neptune off. How else can you explain it? Beats me. I guess I shouldn't have slept in mythology class.
Hmm...I think I prefer the Irishman theory. Gimme your gold, and nobody loses an eye.
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