This Is Cliche!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when I saw that Friday the 13th's wiki was the movie 300*, I just knew I had to produce something epic.  After all, it's a movie about scantily clad, oily men wrestling with each other.  What's wrong with that, right?

The trouble is, the longer I thought, the more I came to realize that I'd forgotten how much ground had already been covered.

So I thought harder.  I dug into the deep recesses of my brain and tried to find something hillarious that hadn't already been done.  While I didn't find anything remarkably notable, I did find something nestled among the neurons.  The problem is, I can't tell you what it is.  Not if I value my life anyways.

Sorry, that's all I got.  Can you blame me?  How am I supposed to compete with this?

Better content when I can get to a topic before 4chan.  Also, I blame this festive weekend for my belated post.  Gee thanks St. Valentine, Lincoln, and Washington.  Sheesh.  Way to throw off my grove.  Maybe I should push you into a well.

Monkey Man Fiction

Happy Birthday to Mr. Darwin!  Today's article is about The History of Evolutionary Thought.  I could explain it to you, but that would require effort.  I think the  following should suffice:

Adventures In Evolution

"Hello!  What's this?  Where am I?  Wait....'I'?  What am I talking about when I say 'I'?  I guess the better question to be asking is 'what am I?'  Yes, that seems as good a place to start as any.

"Well, let's see.  I suppose I should start by figuring out what I can do.  Hmm....well, I know I can try to figure out what I can do!  Haha!  Progress...ok...so, now, what else can I do?  What's all this stuff I'm noticing?  Oh, well there you go, I notice things!...though maybe not too well apparently.

"So yes, there are things about.  What are they?  Who knows, but I notice them.  Aren't I good at this?!  I figure things out and I notice things.  That one thing is getting rather far away, actually.  It's harder to notice.  I wonder if there's any way to change that...

"OHOHO!!!!  I can MOVE!  Check that out!  I'm a sexy beast.  Observe at all this movement that is occurring, and recognize the inadequacies of your own immobility!  So yes...that little thing is getting closer.  And closer.  Aaaaaaaand cloooooosssseeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrr............

"Sweet!  I got it!

"Literally sweet!  It's tasty!  I'll call it a nomnom.

"Okay, so I've established that much.  Cool beans.  I feel bigger now, and stronger, and lots of other adjectives I'm making up as I go.  What's an adjective, anyways?  Anyways.  Right.  Investigation.  Feeling.  What am I feeling?

"I feel something dangling.  Oh, look at that.  It helps me move.  Score.

*DANCE BREAK*

"Alright, that's enough of that.  More important things ahead.  Like this sparkly thing I see.  It's like a big....oh, I don't know....well, its' wide, and there's a lot of it...widealot...walot...walo....wall!  Yeah, a wall of some kind.  I wonder if I can move though it...

...

"Okay, not to self: walls not friendly.

"Well now I have no idea where I came from.  I guess I'll just follow the funny wall thing until I see something else.  I'm pretty big now though, so let's see how far I can go before I need to munch on more nomnoms.

"HOLI SNAP WAHT JST HAPPENZD!!!1ONE!!!!!!!1!1!111!!!111111!!!!!!

"I have no idea what's going on, but this place is not as comfy as the first.  And I can only so go many ways now.  My movement is no longer '1337' (a sophisticated word I now use to describe things I enjoy immensely), in fact it is very un1337.  The nomnoms are better here though.  I guess that's 1337.

"I'm sorta lonely now.  Is that normal?  Maybe I'm a freak.  Maybe nobody loves me.  NOBODY KNOWS WHO I AM INSIDE!!!  I mean, come on, I can't even move VERTICALLY anymore!  Who wants that?  What's a 'who', for that matter?  Sounds like something only a retard would discuss.  I don't know what a retard is, but I know I'm not one, so let's get back on track, shall we?

"Anyways, there have been some interesting developments.  I have found other 'things' that seem similar to me.  We've managed to communicate through this thing called 'sound'.  It's so cool.  I was all 'ughughsofhg'!!! and then one of them was all 'walawalawaladingbatvrroooommschreechalgoreisabananaowoooot'.  Good times.  I reside inside a dead nomnom now.  Pretty cool.  Life is 1337.  'Cept for the nomnom.  Poor nomnom.

"Not really.  That was a joke.  Get it?  Haha, I slay me.  Humor skillz +1

"So yeah, now I'm just chillaxin.  I have danglies that move stuff around now that I don't have to use for transportation, that's a plus.  Also, I have a funny feeling around one of the other 'things'.  I don't know what it is, but it gives me funny thoughts.  I'm not so lonely anymore.

"Guess what?  That thing I liked was a THING FACTORY!!!  So cool.  It got fat for a long time and sat around making nasty noises for a long time and abusing me, but then these little 'things' popped out.  Totally 1337.  And some were delicious.  That too.

"NE ways...the formerly fat thing is still being nasty.  I'm not allowed to go nomnomming with my buds anymore on week nights, because the beast wants 'quality time', whatever that is.  Lamez.  I think I'll go nomnom tipping tonight anyways.  What's she gonna do, eat me?..."

HERE LIES THING

????? - ???22

MAN DID HE HAVE MOVES

To be continued?

They're After Me Lucky Charms!

Do you remember reading The Odyssey in middle school?  Some chump upsets the God of the Sea by poking his son in the eye.  He then ends up spending the next few years being blown around the Mediterranean while a bunch of chavs make a move for his woman.  Not so fun.  Don't mess with a guy who wears spikes on his head.  Don't hit on his angsty redhead either.

Speaking of which, how in the world are these two related?

Well anways, I'm pretty sure Neptune is Irish.  Doesn't the image of a fat guy with flowing white hair and a trident binge drinking make perfect sense to you?  It's like Santa during the off-season.  I'm also pretty sure the British found his heart in a box hidden on an island somewhere, and they're using it to blackmail him.  Now that I think about it, that explains a lot about the world....but I digress.

I'm fairly sure the French were in search of a better breakfast cereal the day they set sail to invade Ireland in 1797.  I'm also pretty sure Neptune decided they were not worthy of his nummy hearts, stars, and horseshoes, and thus decided to show them what-for.  You think I'm kidding, but really, how else do you explain this fiasco*?  I've played many a game of battleship, but even I wouldn't have lost this.  Play a sea commander card or something.  When "You sunk my battleship!" is somehow insufficient to describe the situation, you know it's bad.  Like, 4chan bad.

I really don't know how the French could have been less fortunate in that battle.  The winds were against them, the waves capsized boats and ruined their aim, and in the middle of the ocean they managed to get beached.  Thus, I can safely assume that their attempted invasion of Ireland pissed Neptune off.  How else can you explain it?  Beats me.  I guess I shouldn't have slept in mythology class.

Hmm...I think I prefer the Irishman theory.  Gimme your gold, and nobody loses an eye.

Citation Needed

Hi.  How are you?  I bet you're wondering why you're on this webpage.  That's okay, I am too.  You should probably be doing something productive...like ironing your shirt.  People like you are the reason people like me exist.  How's it feel to have that on your conscience?

At this point you're probably wondering why this blog exists, why I'm wasting my time talking to strangers on the internet.  Considering everything my mother has taught me about strangers,you're probably justified.  Well I'll tell you.

Starting tomorrow, I will write a blog twice a week about Wikipedia's Daily Featured Article. Sounds simple enough, right?  Wrong.

Twice a week, I have to create a story, a poem, or I don't know...maybe even an MP3 about that day's featured article.  It could result in a long-running epic serial fiction about Giant freaky hands that smash stuff while listening to industrial music, or maybe an ode to Tim Duncan's pectorals. In any case, it could be fun. I hope you'll stick around.  Just bring a parka, 'cause it could get messy.